I recently sat down with author Matt Fogelson to talk about his memoir Restrung, music, fatherhood, identity, and the stories we tell ourselves about our lives.

On the surface, the book is about processing the grief of losing a father he never felt he truly knew.

But by the time I finished it, I realized it was really about something else.

The enormous gap between knowing who you want to be...

...and actually becoming him.

One of the threads running through Restrung is Matt's distant relationship with his father.

His father was a very successful New York City lawyer.

He loved his family.

Matt never doubted that.

But he also worked constantly.

He wasn't emotionally available in the way Matt longed for.

Then something surprised me.

Matt shared two letters.

One written by his father as a teenager to his own father.

Another written decades later to Matt after receiving a terminal cancer diagnosis.

Both reveal the same thing.

His father knew.

He knew what kind of relationship he wanted with his family.

He knew the regret of not being able to create that relationship.

He knew time mattered.

His tragedy wasn't ignorance.

It was that wanting something different wasn't enough to make it happen.

Today we have endless books.

Podcasts.
Newsletters.
Videos.

You can ask ChatGPT for a step-by-step plan to improve your marriage, lose weight, become a better father, or build better habits, and you'll have a thoughtful answer in seconds.

Information has never been more available.

So why do so many of us still struggle to become the people we genuinely want to be?

Maybe the problem isn't that we don't know what to do.

Maybe the harder question is:

Why do we keep not doing what we already know?

That's a much more uncomfortable question.

During our interview, Matt talked about becoming a lawyer.

Part of the reason, he said, was because he thought it might help him understand his father.

So I asked him something simple.

"Did it work?"

He paused.

I don't think he'd ever stopped to ask himself that question.

It reminded me of a pattern I've started noticing.

We begin journeys for one reason.

But somewhere along the way...

the reason changes.

Maybe you started exercising because your doctor scared you.

Now you exercise because you enjoy feeling strong.

Maybe you started saving money because you were afraid.

Now you do it because you value freedom.

Maybe you started trying to become a better father because your own father wasn't around.

Now you do it because you genuinely love the man you're becoming.

The catalyst gets us moving.

But it rarely carries us all the way home.

Somewhere along the journey, our reasons quietly mature.

The older I get, the less convinced I am that most men need another framework.

Most of us already know our families matter.

We already know we should be more present.

We already know we should exercise.

Call our parents.

Put down the phone.

Listen more.

None of those ideas are new.

The real mystery isn't knowing.

It's becoming.

Maybe that's why Restrung stayed with me.

Not because it answered that question.

Because it was willing to ask it honestly.

Maybe becoming the father, husband, or man we hope to be isn't mostly a matter of finding another framework.

Maybe it's having the courage to ask why, despite knowing exactly who we want to become, we still struggle to become him.

I don't have the answer.

But I think it's a better question.

Until next time—
keep the fires burning.
– Clay

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