A while back, I saw someone ask a question on LinkedIn.

She was looking into a professional certification for one of her employees and wanted to hear from anyone who had firsthand experience with the program.

Someone responded.

With a thumbs-up.

👍

That was it...

No experience with the program.
No recommendation.
No warning.
No answer at all.
Just a thumbs-up.

It made me laugh.

She had essentially stood up in a crowded room and said, “Can anyone help me?”

And some guy across the room gave her a thumbs-up.

You got this.

The funny thing is, he probably thought he was helping.

I'm sure he wasn't trying to be dismissive. He saw someone asking for help, took a second to acknowledge her, and probably walked away feeling like he'd done something positive.

But he hadn't actually helped her.

He had offered encouragement.

And that's not the same thing as helping.

That's when the joke got a little less funny.

Because I've done that too.

I just used more words.

We’ve all had the experience:

Someone we know is going through a difficult time.

Maybe they've lost a parent.

Maybe their spouse is sick.

Maybe they've just had a baby and haven't slept for three consecutive hours in a month.

Maybe life has simply piled up on them.

And we say:

“If you need anything, just let me know.”

I've said it plenty of times.

And I meant it.

If someone called me the next day and said, “Could you pick my kids up from school?” I'd do it.

If they asked me to bring dinner, I'd bring dinner.

If they needed someone to mow the yard, I'd mow the yard.

I wasn't making an empty offer.

In fact, until fairly recently, I thought “Let me know if you need anything” was exactly what you were supposed to say.

You're telling someone you care about them. You're making yourself available. You're offering to help.

But there's an important distinction I hadn't really considered:

I hadn't helped yet. I'd offered to help.

And those aren't the same thing.

Worse, I'd put the next step back on the person who was already struggling.

Now they had to figure out what they needed.

They had to decide whether it was important enough to bother me.

They had to decide whether I really meant what I said.

They had to work up the nerve to ask.

Then they had to call me and arrange it.

In my attempt to help someone who already had too much to do, I'd accidentally put more on their plate.

A while back, I watched a video of a guy talking about this.

His example was someone grieving a death.

Instead of saying:

“If you need any help, let me know. I'd be happy to mow your yard.”

Just go mow the yard.

Put the mower in the truck and show up.

That idea stuck with me enough that I told my wife about the video.

Not long afterward, a man we knew died.

My wife decided she wanted to do something for his grieving wife.

She didn't tell her:

“If you need anything, let me know.”

She came to me and said:

“I'm doing what that video said. I'm taking this food over there and telling her I can clean her house right now so she doesn't have to worry about it. Put my cleaning stuff in the car.”

Put my cleaning stuff in the car.

That line has stuck with me.

She wasn't going to wait for a grieving woman to decide she needed help cleaning the house, remember the offer, work up the nerve to call, and then find a time that worked.

The food was made.

The cleaning supplies were in the car.

She was going over there.

And importantly, she wasn't taking away the other woman's choice.

She didn't barge into the house and start cleaning.

She offered.

But she had removed almost all the work required to accept the offer.

All she had to do was say yes.

I don't think we need to stop saying, “Let me know if you need anything.”

Sometimes that's exactly the appropriate thing to say.

We may not know what someone needs.

We may not know them well enough to presume.

And sometimes simply knowing that someone is available really does matter.

But we shouldn't confuse offering help with helping.

When you can, remove a step.

Instead of:

“We should get together sometime.”

Try:

“Are you free for lunch Tuesday?”

Instead of:

“Call me if you need to talk.”

Call.

Instead of:

“Let me know if you need anything from the store.”

Try:

“I'm going to the store. What can I bring you?”

Instead of:

“I'd be happy to mow your yard.”

Put the mower in the truck.

Because sometimes the kindest thing you can do for someone who is already carrying too much is to make receiving your kindness require as little effort as possible.

I laughed at that guy on LinkedIn.

Someone asked for help, and he gave them a thumbs-up.

Then I realized I'd spent years doing essentially the same thing.

So the next time someone you care about is struggling, you can certainly tell them you're there if they need you.

But maybe don't stop there.

Put the mower in the truck.

Until next time—
keep the fires burning.
– Clay

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